December has always been a weird month for me. When I was sixteen, my dad passed away on the 11th. For years after, I dreaded December, almost like I was holding my breath, waiting for something bad to happen. The holidays that were supposed to feel magical felt heavy, and joy felt fragile, easily overshadowed by grief.
December, Loss, and Finding Joy Again
In December 2019, things shifted in a surprising way I found out I was pregnant with my third child. For the first time in years, I wasn’t bracing myself for loss. Instead, I was quietly hopeful, cautiously dreaming about new life. I gave myself space to grieve, but there was also room for joy.
Then December 2022 came. I lost a pregnancy at sixteen weeks, and the dread returned in full force. That December became one I wished I could skip, followed by another miscarriage in December 2023. Grief can be relentless, especially when it sneaks back during a month already heavy with memories.
Last year, though, there was a turning point. I was pregnant with Alexander, my fourth living child. The pregnancy came with its own stresses and complications, and December 2024 was challenging for my mental health. I struggled to feel joy, but I still wanted to create Christmas magic for my older kids. And somehow, I did. As soon as Christmas ended, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I finally started to breathe and enjoy my pregnancy. In March 2025, Alexander was born, and a new chapter began.
December will probably always carry a mix of emotions for me—grief, fear, hope, and joy. But I’m learning that it’s okay to hold space for all of it. To remember what’s been lost, to celebrate what’s here, and to allow myself to feel joy again, finally.
This year, I’m grateful for the resilience I’ve built through those tough Decembers, the hope that persists even after loss, and the magic of seeing my kids’ faces light up during the holidays. Life has a way of reminding us that grief and joy can coexist, and that even in our heaviest months, there’s room for new beginnings.
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